Characters

• (Roughly in order of appearance)
• Theo Smole (“The Smart One”) – Computer nerd, Web designer; manga freak; progressive rock music fan; vegetarian; always worrying; has a crush on Eva.
• Ernest Goodale (“The Fat Kid”) – Loud-mouthed, opinionated, fat; gamer; addicted to junk food and pornography; hates jockettes.
• Eva Taylor (“Bug Eyes”) – Jockette (on the wrestling team); makes video scrapbooks; obsessed with The Nightmare Before Christmas; has a crush on Jan.
• Jan (Jr.) Kounicova (“Czech Bastard”) – Czech transplant; disinterested, not shy; obsessed with female bodybuilders; hard to understand; financially-challenged.
• Mrs. Rebbecca Thrailkill (“Mrs. Thrill-Kill”) – High school guidance counselor at Boca Linda High; dispenser of searing truths; smokes in her office.
• Becky Bensonbutter (“Psycho-Bitch”) – Ernie’s junk food girlfriend; ditz.
• Ron Chandelier (“Dr. Freud”) – Theo’s therapist; needs therapy.
• Simon Wong (“Beta”) – Disembodied computer programmer; helped design SuperMegaNet; lives in a custom-made server in Theo’s bedroom.
• Mike Smole (“Dad”) – Theo’s father; excellent cook; works for Mr. Nakayoshi.
• Anya Smole (“Mom”) – Theo’s mother; homeopath; often mistaken for Theo’s nonexistent super-hot older sister.
• Summer Jackson – Eva’s friend; jockette; bossy.
• Lilith Flammer – Eva’s friend; jockette.
• Jan (Sr.) Kounicova (“Dad”) – Jan’s father; laid-back.
• Katka Kounicova (“Mom”) – Jan’s mother; stern.
• Martin Kounicova (“Uncle Martin”) – Jan’s uncle; out-of-work lush.
• Mark Howard – Jan’s school buddy; Ernie’s gaming nemesis.
• Mr. Nakayoshi – Mr. Smole’s employer; repeat client of Mrs. Smole; womanizer.
• Plush Mini-Devil Theo Doll – Physical(?) manifestation of Theo’s ego / libido; plush bean-filled doll.
• doctor_cracker – Ophthalmologist friend of Beta’s; used to work with him at Taurus Labs.
• Twitterpated – Twitter burnout who can only think, speak, or write in 140-character blocks that include interesting links or trendy hashtags.
• Stood-Up Download Dater – Online dating buff looking for love in all the wrong places.
• Sexless Gamer – Forfeited his sex life for the sake of the frag.
• Facebooked – Ex-Facebook user who deactivated his account after his personal information was sold to mass e-mailers.
• Self-Published Author – Failed sci-fi author who believes the Internet is the key to literary fame and fortune.
• Tacoman – Owns and operates the Taqueria of Lost Souls.
• Sprite – Ex-computer tech at Puke Green Cyber Cafe; conspiracy theorist; lives inside a converted soda machine.