Schlongmeister

@ernie

I join Darklord’s party, deposit another handful of nacho into my mouth. Myron Deathkill drops into a hazy swamp and immediately starts losing health.

Darklord tosses me a share potion.

Darklord > evil_ernie > you’ll need this to keep the murk from leeching HP. as long as you’re with me you’ll share my health and XP

I quickly take the potion.

My HP stabilizes.

So far so good.

Still, I’m not entirely chill. Darklord has done this kind of thing before, gifting me with all kinds of armor and weaponry—only to drop me like a bad habit the instant it’s time to throw down. That Emperor’s Talon, though. If I had one of those, I’d be able to slay most non-boss mobs like nobody’s business.

I follow Darklord through the swamp.

Darklord > evil_ernie > you hear about asia afrodesia

evil_ernie> Darklord > who’s she banging now

Darklord > evil_ernie > no one for a while she’s pregnant

Note to self: cross singer-slut slash self-proclaimed blood metal starlet Asia Afrodesia’s vagina off my to-do list. Not that I ever would’ve been able to do her in the first place. She’s rich, famous, fabulously-boobed and bottomed, is ten years older than me, and has had her fill of any fanboy she’s ever wanted since her first hit single, “Fool Me Once, Bang Me Twice,” topped the charts. She first came to my attention with the music video for “My Body Is Your Temple” (this was around the time she dyed her hair hot pink and started performing completely naked as some kind of awesome creative statement). There’s no way on Earth I was ever going to meet her in person, much less make sweet, adulterated love to her all night long, but the optimist in me always held onto the hope that as long as she was single and childless, somehow, someway, my dick would be the first to unbox her hymen. Ah, but the joke’s on me. This is Asia Afrodesia we’re talking about. Her hymen hasn’t been intact since grade school.

Darklord > evil_ernie > sex drugs lawsuits indecent exposure and now motherhood? poor girl can’t get a break

evil_ernie> Darklord > cry her a river all the way to her fifty million doolar bank account

Darklord > evil_ernie > truth. it’s not like she wasn’t asking for it

evil_ernie> Darklord > who actually ASKS for a bun in their oven?

Darklord > evil_ernie > right

Darklord > evil_ernie > you got a girlfriend?

evil_ernie> Darklord > had one. flying solo now don’t need the drama

Darklord > evil_ernie > same here.

Darklord > evil_ernie > dated a smoking hot senior girl when i was a freshman, we were boyfriend girlfriend, BFFs everything rolled into one. she cheered me on at my wrestling matches, i was courtside for every one of her tennis games. SO in love right? then she dumps me on prom night for a random college dude with money and a car. broke my heart didn’t give a shit. she blamed it on LOVE “the heart wants what it wants” but it was pure 100% biology. hormones seeking hormones. we don’t want to admit it but deep down we all really know what we’re doing when we do someone

Tell me your life story, why don’t you?

evil_ernie> Darklord > women

Darklord > evil_ernie > women

Darklord > evil_ernie > they hide their biological programming behind words like “love” and “commitment” but in the end it’s all about laying pipe and making money. men and women both want the same thing, men are just more straightforward about it. women play mind games but I learned quickly.

evil_ernie> Darklord > learned what?

Darklord > evil_ernie > it’s a bang or be banged world. i choose to bang.

Translated: he chooses to be full of shit.

Darklord > evil_ernie > women say they want love but when you give it to them they run away. fuck them rude though, treat them like garbage and they come back for more every time. ever heard of an incubus?

evil_ernie> Darklord > that oldschool alternative band?

Darklord > evil_ernie > no the mythological creatures the incubus and the succubus

I quickly Google.

Darklord > evil_ernie > i realized my freshman year that’s all we really are at heart, incubi and succubi who’ve nicknamed themselves MEN and WOMEN. i’ll never be a man to any modernday woman. women don’t want MEN, they want monsters. assholes big muscles and big dicks and big money. they don’t want partners they want to be TAKEN so i’ll be the incubus the inseminator visiting unsuspecting virgins in the middle of the night one supermeganet user at a time, yeah baby

A miniature mushroom cloud goes off inside my head. I swallow hard as I type out my next message:

evil_ernie> Darklord > do you listen to mixtapes?

Darklord > evil_ernie > dude I don’t play mixtapes, I MAKE them.

Darklord > evil_ernie > if you know what I mean.

No way. He can’t possibly be talking about what I think he’s talking about—

Darklord leaves the campaign.

I watch helplessly as Myron is stripped of his armor, his clothes, his skin and muscle until all that’s left is a pile of bones surrounded by a trove of discarded items and equipment that I’ll never get back again.

Fucking.

Dicklord.

“Tacoman!” I yell.

Que, mi gordito?” Tacoman asks.

“Send me home!”

“Why so soon?”

“Because I said so!” I hop off my stool, yank my PC’s power cord from Tacoman’s power strip. Yeah, I’m mad as fuck—and yet also empowered. I may have lost my loot, but I’ve also gained what could be my first real El Cassetto lead.

Mix tapes!

Unsuspecting virgins!

Midnight inseminations!

I’m onto you, Darklord!

Love is a little red pixel heart

El Cassetto: a SuperMegaNet novel by Jesse Gordon