Ernie – Hi, everyone. Ernie here with the unfortunate news that the latest episode of my series, SuperMegaNet, is late. What a freakin’ surprise (not!). Jesse says his laptop’s broken, but I happen to know that he does all his writing at home, on his main PC. It’s obvious he’s full of shit. “Next week,” I keep hearing. He’s way behind schedule, and so he’s made up this half-assed story about the CPU cooling fan on his Acer (who the hell buys an Acer in the first place?) wonking out. Apparently this hasn’t stopped him from posting a handful of worthless blogs all throughout the week. I mean, that crayon picture? A couple of cliched opinion pieces about the publishing industry dying? Pickup lines? Are you serious? What kind of pathetic attempt at stuffing your Google rank is this? You want a pickup line, Jesse? How about, “Do you like sledgehammers? Good, because I’ve been looking for someone to crack open my writer’s block.”
Theo says I’m overreacting. I’m not. He may be able to spend his in-between time meditating in a Yogi trance, but I’m not for that New Age comfort zone stuff. I’m out of work. We all are until Jesse gets his ass back on track. You know what happens to out of work characters? They spend their free time in fucking purgatory. Think of it as the green room from hell where the soda’s flat, the Doritos are under-flavored, and there are only two DVDs available: Anchorman and Step Brothers.
I’m done for. Jan’s not saying anything, but I can tell from the way he’s staring lifelessly off into space that he’s ready to strangle himself with his own shoelaces—but you still have a chance. You can leave your computer, go out for the rest of the day, follow hot chicks in the mall as they drop their cell phones and bend over to pick them up again. If you must continue browsing the Web, I’d highly recommend you go visit another blog, one whose author knows how to deliver on time.
(By the way, Eva’s PMSing over the sneaking-into-Jan’s-room thing, so don’t expect her to answer any fan mail.)