Inadvertent Underwear


“You’re in your underwear,” I blurt, gawking at Eva’s crotch as if we aren’t always accidentally glimpsing each other’s undies via our SuperMegaNet feeds anyway. But it never gets old seeing your crush in the flesh…in the flesh. If you know what I mean.

“Duh,” Eva says. “I was getting ready for bed—”

“No time for boners!” Ernie yells, and taps the “send” button on Jan’s phone.

Eva uploads again, a dumbfounded expression on her face.

I shake my head, snapping out of some kind of underwear-induced trance. “What did you do?”

“I sent her to Thrill-Kill’s,” Ernie replies matter-of-factly.

What?” Horrified, I grab the phone out of his hands. “Why’d you do that?”

“Scouting mission.”

Scouting mission?

“We need to scope out the place, make sure the coast is clear, right?”


“Send a guy in, and he’s up to no good, he’s a thief, he doesn’t belong. But send a girl, and it’s all, ‘Oh, you poor little thing! Are you lost? Let’s help you find your parents.’ Fucking double standard!” Ernie clears his throat. “Meanwhile, we use the distraction to do a little in-person hacking.” He grabs the phone back, addresses Eva: “You there, angel food cake?”

Thrill-Kill’s window is still a gaping black hole, but we can hear Eva shuffling around—and she sounds none too pleased. “Ernie! I’m going to break your face!”

“That’s nice. Is anyone home?”

“How should I know? I can’t see anything! It’s pitch black in here, and it smells like—oh, my God, what was that?”

“What was what?”

“Didn’t you hear that?”

“It was probably Ernie releasing toxic gasses,” Jan offers.

“Dirty Czech!” Ernie shoots back.

Eva continues to stumble in the darkness. “Guys—there’s something moving around in here!”

Chains rattle.

Eva screams. Then…

…dumb silence.

As in Ernie is a total and complete dumbass for having sent her to an early demise.

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Here’s some adjacent ridiculousness:

Dookie, a shitty horror novel by Jesse Gordon


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Book designer and formatter based in southern California. Supreme overlord of the SuperMegaNet pseudoverse.