Why do grown men make so much noise while taking dumps in public restrooms? I’m not talking about the actual bowel movements themselves. All our bottoms make noise in that respect: a squeak, a fart, maybe a plunk! or occasional trumpet blare. Ladies, I don’t doubt that you’re guilty of playing your own personal toilet Tchaikovsky a little too loudly from time to time, but what I’m talking about are the grunts and groans, the desperate pleas of, “Jesus-God-almighty!” Remember the White Water Express scene in Vacation? Remember Charlie Day screaming bloody murder right after he got off the phone with his fiancée? That’s what’s going on in restrooms across the country.
That’s what’s going on right now in the stall next to Theo’s. (While he would have you believe otherwise, Theo does indeed take dumps on a regular basis.) And I’m just like, what is happening over there? What item off of Ultimate Veggie’s menu could’ve given this bub such a massive shitaclysm?
I have to know.
I’m going to take a peek. I slink out of Theo’s pants pocket.
“Hey!” he whispers, my unexpected appearance momentarily distracting him from his phone. “What’re you doing?”
“Washing my hands,” I reply, and duck under the front of the stall. But instead of heading for the sink, I make an immediate U-turn into the stall adjacent and—
I’d expected a smattering of awkward.
A baseline ew, perhaps.
But not this.
Anything but this…this sweaty, red-faced caricature of a forty-something businessman, legs splayed, arms braced against the stall walls, tie slung haphazardly over one quivering shoulder as he bears down on an unspeakably evil stool jailbreaking his tattered rectum centimeter by ragged centimeter—
—I stumble away. Back into Theo’s stall, back into the familiar warmth and geekly fibre of his oversized joggers. I scrunch my eyes shut, plug my non-existent fingers into my non-existent ears.
Let’s never speak of this again.
toilet Tchaikovsky (noun):
1. loud grunting and/or strenuous vocalizations made by most men while defecating.
“The intensity of the gentleman’s toilet Tchaikovsky made it obvious that he’d consumed too much cheese as of late.”
2. an album of chamber pot music by Canadian jazz duet Peter Flute & Woodland Knight.
Here’s some adjacent ridiculousness: