Characters

  • (Roughly in order of appearance)
  • Theo Smole (“The Smart One”) – Computer nerd, Web designer; manga freak; progressive rock music fan; vegetarian; always worrying; has a crush on Eva.
  • Ernest Goodale (“The Fat Kid”) – Loud-mouthed, opinionated, fat; gamer; addicted to junk food and pornography; hates jockettes.
  • Eva Taylor (“Bug Eyes”) – Jockette (on the wrestling team); makes video scrapbooks; obsessed with The Nightmare Before Christmas; has a crush on Jan.
  • Jan (Jr.) Kounicova (“Czech Bastard”) – Czech transplant; disinterested, not shy; obsessed with female bodybuilders; hard to understand; financially-challenged.
  • Mrs. Rebbecca Thrailkill (“Mrs. Thrill-Kill”) – High school guidance counselor at Boca Linda High; dispenser of searing truths; smokes in her office.
  • Becky Bensonbutter (“Psycho-Bitch”) – Ernie’s junk food girlfriend; ditz.
  • Ron Chandelier (“Dr. Freud”) – Theo’s therapist; needs therapy.
  • Simon Wong (“Beta”) – Disembodied computer programmer; helped design SuperMegaNet; lives in a custom-made server in Theo’s bedroom.
  • Mike Smole (“Dad”) – Theo’s father; excellent cook; works for Mr. Nakayoshi.
  • Anya Smole (“Mom”) – Theo’s mother; homeopath; often mistaken for Theo’s nonexistent super-hot older sister.
  • Summer Jackson – Eva’s friend; jockette; bossy.
  • Lilith Flammer – Eva’s friend; jockette; careless butt cleavage.
  • Jan (Sr.) Kounicova (“Dad”) – Jan’s father; laid-back.
  • Katka Kounicova (“Mom”) – Jan’s mother; stern.
  • Martin Kounicova (“Uncle Martin”) – Jan’s uncle; out-of-work lush.
  • Mark Howard – Jan’s school buddy; Ernie’s gaming nemesis.
  • Mr. Nakayoshi – Mr. Smole’s employer; repeat client of Mrs. Smole; womanizer.
  • Plush Mini-Devil Theo Doll (“Mini”) – Physical(?) manifestation of Theo’s ego / libido; plushie; bean-filled doll.
  • doctor_cracker – Ophthalmologist friend of Beta’s; used to work with him at Taurus Labs.
  • Twitterpated – Twitter burnout who can only think, speak, or write in 140-character blocks that include interesting links or trendy hashtags.
  • Stood-Up Download Dater – Online dating buff looking for love in all the wrong places.
  • Sexless Gamer – Forfeited his sex life for the sake of the frag.
  • Facebooked – Ex-Facebook user who deactivated his account after his personal information was sold to mass e-mailers.
  • Self-Published Author – Failed sci-fi author who believes the Internet is the key to literary fame and fortune.
  • Tacoman – Owns and operates the Taqueria of Lost Souls.
  • Sprite – Ex-computer tech at Puke Green Cyber Cafe; conspiracy theorist; lives inside a converted soda machine.
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