(Roughly in order of appearance)
The Runt Squad
- Theo Ivanovich (“The Smart One”) – Computer nerd, Web designer; manga freak; progressive rock music fan; vegetarian; always worrying; has a crush on Eva.
- Plush Mini-Devil Theo Doll (“Mini”) – Physical(?) manifestation of Theo’s ego / libido; plushie; bean-filled doll.
- Ernest Goodale (“The Fat Kid”) – Loud-mouthed, opinionated, fat; gamer; addicted to junk food and pornography; hates jockettes.
- Eva Taylor (“Bug Eyes”) – Jockette (on the wrestling team); makes video scrapbooks; obsessed with The Nightmare Before Christmas; has a crush on Jan.
- Jan (Jr.) Kounicova (“Czech Bastard”) – Czech transplant; disinterested, not shy; obsessed with female bodybuilders; hard to understand; financially-challenged.
The Lost Souls
- Twitterpated – Twitter burnout who can only think, speak, or write in 140-character blocks that include interesting links or trendy hashtags.
- Stood-Up Download Dater – Online dating buff looking for love in all the wrong places.
- Sexless Gamer – Forfeited his sex life for the sake of the frag.
- Facebooked – Ex-Facebook user who deactivated his account after his personal information was sold to mass e-mailers.
- Self-Published Author – Failed sci-fi author who believes the Internet is the key to literary fame and fortune.
- Tacoman – Owns and operates the Taqueria of Lost Souls.
- Mike Hong (“Dad”) – Theo’s father; excellent cook; works for Mr. Nakayoshi.
- Anya Ivanovich (“Mom”) – Theo’s mother; homeopath; often mistaken for Theo’s nonexistent super-hot older sister.
- Jan (Sr.) Kounicova (“Dad”) – Jan’s father; laid-back.
- Katka Kounicova (“Mom”) – Jan’s mother; stern.
- Mrs. Rebbecca Thrailkill (“Mrs. Thrill-Kill”) – High school guidance counselor at Boca Linda High; dispenser of searing truths; smokes in her office.
- Becky Bensonbutter (“Psycho-Bitch”) – Ernie’s junk food girlfriend; ditz.
- Ron Chandelier (“Dr. Freud”) – Theo’s therapist; needs therapy.
- Simon Wong (“Beta”) – Disembodied computer programmer; helped design SuperMegaNet; lives in a custom-made server in Theo’s bedroom.
- Summer Jackson – Eva’s friend; jockette; bossy.
- Lilith Flammer – Eva’s friend; jockette; careless butt cleavage.
- Martin Kounicova (“Uncle Martin”) – Jan’s uncle; out-of-work lush.
- Mark Howard – Jan’s school buddy; Ernie’s gaming nemesis.
- Mr. Nakayoshi – Mr. Smole’s employer; repeat client of Mrs. Smole; womanizer.
- doctor_cracker – Ophthalmologist friend of Beta’s; used to work with him at Taurus Labs.
- Sprite – Ex-computer tech at Puke Green Cyber Cafe; conspiracy theorist; lives inside a converted soda machine.